May 28, 2014

I have a sad

You guys. I know you think I'm, like, this bad-ass zombie writer (you do, right?), but the truth is this: I'm a mush. I cry all too easily, and seeing things scared or injured really breaks my heart.

Today while I was running a little squirrel caught my eye. He was near a tree, on the ground. Ordinarily this isn't a thing of note - squirrels are prolific around here, to say the least. But normally, as soon as they see me, they scamper off into the trees.

Not this one, though.

He was hurt, probably bumped by a car or beat up by a hawk. There was no obvious blood on him, but his front foot didn't seem to work. He tried to get away from me, moving himself along the ground by pushing with his back feet, moving in an uncoordinated semi-circle. His eyes were huge and round and black and shining. They were terrified. I don't care what anyone says; animals have feelings, and this little guy was hurting and frightened.

I wanted so badly to help, but my hands were tied. I have no car (our Jeep is still in the shop, where it's been for almost two weeks now). I was a mile from my house. I could have run home to get a bucket or something to carry him with me, but what then?

I called my vet - they could only euthanize him.

It was obvious he wasn't going to make it - he couldn't get into a tree, and when he turned his back to me, I finally saw blood, oozing slowly from his back end. His injuries were apparently internal, then, and I lost hope.

I wanted to stay with him until the end, but every time I tried to check on him, he tried to move away. I inspired more fear than comfort. It was awful.

In the end, I left him there, beneath the tree, to die alone, in peace.

Had Charles been there, he'd have ended things in a quick and humane way for the little guy, but I couldn't even bring myself to do that. I know it would have been the merciful thing to do...but in the end I let him suffer longer, in a quiet, circle-of-life sort of way.

I feel like a bad person right now. I let him suffer. It sucks.

****

I don't want to spend my day thinking about the little squirrel. Poor little fella. He's breaking my heart, even now. I'm fairly certain he's already dead, and will be food for the dozens of vultures circling overhead this morning. But still. I have a big sad.

****

Can you help me out? Can you send me happy thoughts? I'd love to hear them. Happy memories, nice things going on in  your life, anything positive you want to share. Pretty please? I could use some cheering up. You can leave comments here or you can tweet them at me or Facebook them to me. Whatever. I just want to think about something happy.

6 comments:

Arlene Arruda said...

Just this morning I read that your little girl put her arms around you and told you that you are the best mommy in the whole world.
And she is not the only one in your family who loves you with all their heart.
You are not a bad person. You are the opposite of a bad person.
Hope that helps. :-)

Unknown said...

I would have only been able to do what you did. I dud save a vat once from big boys who were pelting it with stones while it quivered under a bush. Little me chased big them away with yelling and stones of my own. We do what we can, right?

Anonymous said...

At least you didn't kill your own cat when you started your jeep like I did. This is your oldest brother, btw.

w_layne_h said...

somebody in the office just pooted, so there's that... crop-dusting at it's finest!

Anonymous said...

We all have our strengths and weaknesses, Leah.

Your experience brought to mind the story of the woman walking down a starfish-covered beach. As she walked, she was picking up starfish one by one and tossing them back into the ocean. A passerby asked her why she was bothering. She couldn't save them all. What difference could she possibly make?

Smiling, the woman bent over, picked up another starfish and tossed it back into the ocean. Looking at the man, she replied, "I made a difference to THAT one."

Remember the starfish you HAVE helped, Leah. I hope you have a great day.

Pat Frame

Leah said...

Y'all. Thank you so much for the lovely comments! I've received emails, posts here, tweets...it's been fabulous and it helped SO MUCH!! xoxoxoxoxo and hugs and kisses too!!!!! :D

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